Love is a special kind of hell.

Here’s what I know about love..

When it’s true it’s timeless.

You can love someone and not be with them.

It’s been one year since I moved my life away. But, not a day goes by that I don’t think about him. I have to believe that I am truly in love with him, what else? The sobering fact is that I realize that I will spend the rest of my life in love with this person, and probably never see, or hear from him again.

I know, some people probably think it’s my Karma for leaving in the 1st place. Actually, I don’t particularly want to be with him.. I just love the fuck out of him. Do you understand? Love doesn’t just flutter away.

I so desperately wanted things to be different, but they weren’t.. He didn’t know how to love. So I couldn’t be with him. But, I love him. And that doesn’t change.

 

Leave well enough alone.

April passed, as well as May, June, and July.. And I made it out unscathed. Well, mostly. I kept close to my new friend for all of April and part of May, he was my escape.

My conversations with Mr. 1k ended shortly after he had to put one of our dogs down in April 😦 She was only three, and having some serious neurological issues. Shortly before I moved out, we were having to carry down and up stairs since she no longer had the coordination to do it on her own. After I moved, I heard she had gotten worse.

Life is insane.

I finally realized what I already knew. I had made the right decision by leaving. It was hard for me to accept this change because I was still trying to find out who I was without him. I was able to come to this conclusion once I picked myself up off the floor and quit being so careless with myself. I stopped hanging out with my new friend completely by the end of May (after all, if I had never mingled with him at the bar after my pedestal plummet I would have never gotten mixed up with him). I thanked him for being a friend, for listening to me babble, and saving me from sulking alone in my house.

New friend did bring me into one good fortune, though. A real Prince Charming. I went to high school with him, but we were hardly even acquaintances. He’s another story.

I’ve finally come into my own. I’ve finally found myself in this transition, and I’m rooted. I can breathe.

Life goes on, it goes on.

I’ve been trying to make the best of this transition. I’ve been trying to muster up the motivation to exercise and stick to my goals. So far, it’s become a waste of ink in my planner. I spent the first half of my second month here with an old high school friend, another face in the group of which I never expected to see again. After three years of no communication, I found myself in his truck numbing my heartaches with plenty of beer and dull conversations three nights a week. I enjoy his company, he is what you’d call a “simpleton”. He enjoys talking about fishing, beer, and his muscles. And you know what? I enjoy listening to him, as long as he’s talking I don’t have to think. Still, I catch myself closing one eye and texting Mr. 1,000 miles away. Those conversations always turn out wonderfully.

I left. But, I can’t leave it alone.

Grin and Bear it.

How will you make it on your own? This word is awfully big, girl this time you’re all alone. But it’s time you started living, it’s time you let someone else do some giving.

I just went through a break up. A real one. Not one of those puppy love relationships that end because Billy Joe was holding hands with Susie so and so in Geometry. I looked at my life, and I decided it was time to move the hell out, and on. I packed my car up to the ceiling, leaving a little room for my dog; and leaving my other two dogs, my coffee, maker, my blender, and other odd things behind. I drove 897 miles back to my hometown.

My hometown was a place I never wanted to see again, full of faces I never wanted to remember. This was a hard transition for me. But I had my ego on a pedestal, and nothing could bring me down.

Of course, I had my friends. Of these friends one (whom I’ve known since kindergarten)was very excited that I was moving back home. He was overly concerned about how I was feeling, and how I would react to being home. He was my rock. After returning home, he took me out to have a few drinks, he came over a few times, and I went to his house once a week. Next thing I know we’re “seeing each other”. This came as a shock to me. I hadn’t wanted to get into anything so soon, and especially not with someone so close to me.

After about a week or two, getting him to come over when I wanted to see him was harder than having him come over when he felt like it. This “fling” was approximately 23 days in when I confessed, with the push of many too many, that I had found feelings for him. And one week later, on day 30, he called it off. He lost interest when I gained it. I watched my ego fall of it’s pedestal and fall flat on it’s face.

Though, I hate to admit it, I was vulnerable. And I can’t tell if I really did feel REAL feelings for him or not.

In one month and 19 days I went through a real break up, a move, and an ego bruise (which included losing a great friend).

And instead of all this mayhem leaving me with a heavy heart, I am empowered by it all.

LOST

I can relate my “fling” with him to my infatuation with the TV show LOST.

I started watching it to give me something to do.

A few episodes in I became very interested.

The more hours I invested, it started getting shittier.

I wasn’t at all happy with the ending.

I think about it every once in a while.

Sometimes I wish I’d never began watching.

Other times I miss it.

But I’ve seen it all already, so watching again would be pointless and boring.

DreamEx.

I had a dream he helped me pack up all my belongings, and then he told me goodbye. It’s astounding how when I’m awake I can mostly block him out, but he creeps into every single dream I have. How does this work, breakups? How can you take a million and ten memories and push them out, how can you love and let go? People do it all the time, I’ve done it before, and I take comfort in that. My misery loves company.

Two Worlds, never coliding.

This little town is too peculiar, and entirely too familiar. I try not to leave the house much, because the faces lurking around every corner are faces I never wanted to see again. I keep trying to remember the life I was living just two weeks ago. I have blocked it all out, like he never existed at all. I cannot believe how easy it is to get through this. My wonderful pup is adjusting quite well, too. That’s what happens when you’re not surrounded by negativity. Though, a part of me does wonder if this is so easy because I was mourning my breakup long before I broke it off, or I’m really just in denial.

Goodbye Dear Friend

Once the reality set in, and I confirmed my moving out, we never spoke again. I thought he would have more to say to me, after 4 years of dating. He’s making it easier on me. Not knowing makes it easier. My sweet boy and I are back in my hometown, it’s still as shitty as ever. I take comfort in the thought that I can so whatever I want, whenever I want, however I want. I know now I’ve made the best decision.

Just the two of us..

My sad little doggy and I sit on a pull out bed about 1/2 a mile away from the place I called home. We wait.. six days until my big sister comes to rescue us, and take me back where I came from. He misses his two little doggy sisters. I miss my organization. Right now all of my belongings are placed so carelessly in what my friend calls her “girl room”. I will admit, I have a full belly of wine. Somehow, I still feel so empty. I do wonder if I’ve made the right decision. This is the beginning.

Time starts now..

They say it’ll get easier in time. It’s been nine hours since he waltzed into the room demanding we talk. Talking turned into screaming, and a fan being thrown at his face. He says I’m hostile. I’ll say I’m fading. I guess the silence was too much for him to handle, as I was becoming used to it. After telling me it was time for me to move, he then decided I could stay if I became a “better” person “to be around”. After many tears to consider, I’ve come to the conclusion that I’ve over stayed my welcome.